


Somebody Loves You More

by electrictoes



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/M, Family, Friends to Lovers, I have zero regrets, Sonny Carisi is such a dad, a lot of this is fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-15 18:40:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29318769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/electrictoes/pseuds/electrictoes
Summary: Screw biology, Sonny Carisi is Jesse and Billie Rollins' dad - the sooner he and Amanda realise that, the better.
Relationships: Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr./Amanda Rollins
Comments: 81
Kudos: 166





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is another fic that was born from a conversation with son-heir - it kind of got away from me though.
> 
> Significant elements are inspired by Amanda's face in that NYE scene.

Amanda wasn’t nervous, exactly, but Jesse’s first parent/teacher conference was a new experience for her. She tried to get away early enough to pick Jesse up from school at least once a week, but she had still had to call in a couple of favours to make it in time for the meeting; the worry that she was going to miss it while she was stuck at the hospital waiting to interview a victim had only heightened her nerves, so she was a little on edge as she entered the classroom.

Every inch of the room seemed to burst with primary colours and children’s artwork. She glanced around as Jesse’s teacher collected some things from the back of the room, and she caught a glimpse of the class photo, Jesse grinning in the front row, showing off a missing tooth.

“Sorry to have kept you waiting, I’m Abigail Ellis, Jesse’s teacher. Please take a seat.”

“Thank you,” Amanda said, taking the offered chair.

“Is Jesse’s father joining us?” Miss Ellis asked, glancing towards the door

Amanda frowned. There was no way Declan Murphy was about to walk in that door, and she hadn’t even listed him on any of Jesse’s school paperwork. “Uh, no. Her dad is-”

“Oh, I know he’s a lawyer, it must be tough for him to get away during the school day.”

The confusion set in further at that. “Sorry?”

“We did a project last week on jobs - Jesse was very proud when she was telling everyone her momma catches bad guys and her daddy prosecutes them. That was definitely a new word for the class!”

Amanda took a breath – _Sonny_ , of course. It wasn’t that Jesse had ever said aloud that she wanted him to be her dad, but it didn’t surprise her either. Despite his limited involvement in their lives, Jesse was well aware that Al was Billie’s father, it made sense she’d been wondering about her own. She had been meaning to have a conversation with Jesse about her biological father, but it wasn’t something she was about to unpack in front of her teacher. Better to just run with it for now.

“I bet. Sonny doesn’t like to talk down to the girls. Not that we talk about our work in front of them, but-”

“Oh no, I understand. I’m not passing judgment. We have students whose parents work in all sorts of jobs, and they’re curious at this age.”

Amanda nodded, and listened as Miss Ellis talked about how Jesse had settled in at school, the friends she made, the work she did – how kind Jesse was to the other children, how she talked at a mile a minute – _like someone else I know,_ Amanda thought to herself – and got carried away telling elaborate stories.

“Would you like to see some of Jesse’s work?”

“Yeah, sure, of course.”

Amanda was proud – so proud – as she looked through the work Jesse’s teacher had picked out – her drawings, her writing – Jesse had been enjoying school, and it was great to see what she’d been doing - the pictures of Frannie, her attempts at writing her own name, with all the S’s backwards. Amanda stopped at one picture Jesse had drawn, the scribble underneath was only partially legible, but someone had written beneath it ‘ _I love my family’_ – the picture was of four stick people – each one taller than the last – the smaller three had a scribble of blonde hair, whilst the tallest had lines of brown sticking up on the top of its head. Between the two adult figures Jesse had drawn a love heart. It pulled on Amanda’s heartstrings to see it, and she smiled.

“It’s a lovely drawing, isn’t it?” Miss Ellis said. “Jesse drew that when we were learning about different families.”

“Do you think I could take it home?” Amanda asked; she didn’t know what she wanted to do with it, didn’t quite know whether she wanted to share it with Sonny or not, but it felt like something she wanted to keep.

-

On her way out of the school, Amanda text Sonny to invite him for ice cream with her and the girls – a treat for Jesse – Amanda was feeling every inch the proud mother and she wanted him to share in that with her, with them.

She collected Jesse from the gym, where she had joined the after-school art class to wait for her mother – she bounded over, full of excitement and questions about Amanda’s meeting with Miss Ellis. “She’s so lovely, Momma, isn’t she?”

Amanda took Jesse’s hand in hers as they walked, “She is, and she’s been telling me about all the good work you’ve been doing. She even showed me some of your lovely pictures.”

“Did you see the one I did of Frannie on the moon? I think Frannie would like to go to the moon.” Amanda laughed, listening as Jesse continued talking about all the adventures she thought Frannie would like to go on.

Once they were in the car, Jesse buckled into her car seat, Amanda turned to look at her. “Jesse, I need to talk to you about something, okay?”

“What’s wrong, Momma?”

“Nothing sweetheart,” she reached into her bag and pulled out Jesse’s drawing. “Miss Ellis showed me this picture you drew.”

“My family!” Jesse said proudly. “Me and you and Billie and Uncle Sonny.”

“It’s a great drawing honey, and I love our little family too, but there’s something we need to talk about.”

Jesse frowned. “Are you havin’ another baby?”

“What? No, of course not. Jess, Miss Ellis said you told your class that your daddy is a lawyer.”

“Uncle Sonny is a lawyer. He prosecutes bad people,” she said, sounding ‘prosecutes’ out slowly. “He told me so.”

“I know that, Jesse, but Uncle Sonny isn’t your daddy.”

“But I didn’t have a daddy, Momma, so I decided Uncle Sonny is my daddy now.”

Amanda’s heart tightened at Jesse’s words. This was a conversation that was long overdue – she had avoided it, hoping it would hurt Jesse less this way. “Oh, sweetheart. That’s not how it works.”

“But Uncle Sonny would be a good daddy.” Jesse folded her arms across her chest, frowning at Amanda.

“Yeah, I know. And he loves you very much, we both do.”

“Why can’t Uncle Sonny just be my daddy then?”

Amanda reached into the back of the car, taking Jesse’s small hand in hers. “It just doesn’t work like that, Jesse. You have a daddy – you know how we talked about mommies and daddies making babies together, and that’s how Billie was born.”

“You made her with Al,” Jesse pulled a face at his name – Amanda had her suspicions about where she’d picked that up from.

“I did. And I made you with your daddy. His name is Declan.”

“But I don’t know him.”

“No, you don’t, and that’s okay, not everyone knows their mommy or daddy, but you have a family who you love you – me and Billie, and Uncle Sonny, and Aunt Olivia and Noah, and Uncle Fin, okay?”

“So Uncle Sonny can’t ever be my daddy? I can never have one?” Tears were pooling in Jesse’s eyes and guilt washed over Amanda once again – this wasn’t something she could fix; Jesse was never going to have her biological father in her life, not in the way she deserved, and whilst Amanda didn’t know what the future would hold, she couldn’t give her daughter any guarantees, either.

“It’s more complicated than that; but right now he is your Uncle Sonny, and he loves you and Billie so much it doesn’t matter whether he’s your daddy or not.”

Jesse swiped the tears away from her eyes. “What about when you and Uncle Sonny get married?”

“Oh, Jesse, you know that Uncle Sonny and I aren’t getting married.”

“Not yet,” Jesse said with a smile, like she knew something Amanda didn’t.

-

They met Sonny and Billie at the ice cream parlour – he’d already gotten them a booth, and Billie was strapped into a high chair on the end. She was scribbling on a colouring page with a crayon and giggling to herself.

“Jesse!” Sonny yelled as they approach, “There’s my girl!”

Amanda sighed– he was oblivious to her frustration, not knowing the difficult conversation she’d just had. Jesse ran to him, throwing herself onto the booth and clambering across to sit next to him.

“I hear somebody is a superstar at school!”

“Momma met my teacher and she said she’s lovely!”

“And what did your teacher say about you?”

“Momma? What did Miss Ellis say?”

“Lots of very nice things,” Amanda slid into the booth opposite them. She gave Sonny a pointed look as she said, “She said Jesse taught her class the word _prosecute_.”

“You gotta teach them these things young,” Sonny said with a smile.

“Miss Ellis also mentioned Jesse talks a lot,” Amanda gave him another look, “I’m not sure who she’s gotten that from.”

Sonny shook his head and lifted his hands up in surrender. “She’s her mother’s daughter, I don’t know what you’re tryin’ to say.”

-

Later, when they were back at Amanda’s apartment and the girls had reached the crash point of the ice-cream-for-dinner sugar high, Amanda pulled the picture from her bag again.

She looked over at Sonny where he was sitting on the armchair with Billie sprawled across his lap snoring lightly, and contemplated telling him – about the picture, about Jesse’s questions. He looked at home here with her girls. It had felt so natural to have him meet them for ice cream, to make him a part of that family celebration, and while she had meant what she said about Jesse having her own family – one that included Liv, and Fin… Sonny sat differently in that picture, closer to her and a part of this unit.

She opted to say nothing, but put the picture onto the fridge. Sonny looked over to see what she was doing; if he noticed the heart Jesse had drawn he didn’t say anything, but it was clear who the fourth figure in the picture was, and the way his face lit up set off butterflies in her stomach.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who read/commented/gave kudos on the first chapter. This whole thing is written I'm just editing it slowly. 
> 
> This is a Billie chapter bc that child has been asleep since 21x16.

Sonny was in Olivia’s office, strategising about their latest case – a string of rape/murders with the same MO as a case from ten years ago. Amanda and Fin had gone out Rikers Island to interview the guy convicted of the original spree, and while they waited for an update they were planning their next move. Liv was filling him in on the latest witness statement when Kat knocked on the door, entering before waiting for a response.

“Hey, sorry to interrupt Captain, are Fin and Rollins still at Rikers?”

Olivia looked up from her desk. “I expect so, Fin called to say they’d just arrived about twenty minutes ago, why?”

Kat frowned. “I just picked up a call on Rollins’ line from her nanny.”

Sonny’s heart jumped into his throat; Amanda had mentioned Billie hadn’t been herself this morning. “What did she say? Is Billie okay?”

“She’s got a fever – Sienna said they were on their way to Mercy. She asked me to get the message to Rollins.”

“Her phone’s gonna be off now,” Sonny turned to Liv, his chest tightening with worry. “Cap, I-“

“Go Carisi, go. I’ll call Rikers, then Hadid.”

He didn’t stop to pick up his bag or coat, just raced out of the office and into the elevator. His hands shook as he pressed the button for the first floor – his mind was racing with panic and fear – his thoughts going to the worst scenarios - remembering when Noah had the measles, how terrifying that had been for Liv, for everyone.

He drove to the hospital on auto-pilot, parking his car in the first spot he found before heading into the building; he was out of breath when he reached the emergency room, bolting straight up to the reception desk. He didn’t greet the receptionist; he didn’t have time for pleasantries, “Billie Rollins.”

The receptionist frowned. “I’m sorry? Can I help you?”

“I’m looking for Billie Rollins, her nanny brought her in, I-“ His heart was still pounding heavily, he could feel the blood pumping in his ears.

A nurse passing by stopped and looked at him. “Billie Rollins? Are you family?”

“Yeah, I’m, yeah-”

“Follow me.”

He was filled with relief at the sight of Billie in Sienna’s arms – she was crying and pounding her tiny fists against Sienna’s shoulders, clearly uncomfortable and upset, but alive, and safe.

Sienna looked up at the sight of him. “Mr Carisi, I tried to get through to Amanda but-“

“She’s interviewing a suspect, she won’t have her phone. The captain’s going to get the message to her. What happened?”

“She’s been teary all morning, then she started burning up – I gave her some baby aspirin but it didn’t help… we’re just waiting for a doctor to take a look at her. They think it’s her ears,” Sienna stroked Billie’s hair, “Hey Billie, look who it is.”

Billie looked up from where she was whimpering into Sienna’s chest – Sonny had never seen her look so _sad,_ there was no other word for it. As she caught sight of Sonny she held her arms out to him. He took her from Sienna and sat down on the edge of the hospital bed as Billie clung tightly to him, her head resting against his chest, hands gripping at the material of his shirt. Gradually her tears began to subside.

A moment or so later a doctor entered the cubicle, “Sounds like someone’s feeling a bit more settled,” she said, smiling when she noticed Sonny. “Ahh, I see Daddy’s arrived.”

Sonny didn’t even think to correct her as he nodded in greeting, “Dominick Carisi.”

“Hi, I’m Dr Henry. I hear you’re not feeling so good, Billie?”

Billie didn’t lift her head from Sonny’s chest, and he rubbed a hand up and down on her back, pressing his head close to hers. “Hey, you gonna say hi to the doctor?”

With some coaxing, Billie reluctantly raised her head, glancing up at the doctor. “Hello.”

“Hi sweetie, I’d like to see your ear if that’s okay?”

Sonny carefully turned Billie away from his chest, giving the doctor better access to her ear. “I’m going to use my special torch to have a little look inside your ear. Can you hold her still, Dad?”

Billie screamed the second the scope touched her ear, clawing at Sonny’s arm; he soothed her gently, his free hand still stroking her back. “You’re doing real good, Billie.”

“Okay sweetie, I’m sure that’s very sore.” The doctor pulled back and turned to Sonny. “It looks like she’s got a pretty nasty infection in there. Nothing to panic about, but she’s probably going to feel lousy for a few days. We’ve given her something for the pain, and we’ll start her on some antibiotics now, then once her fever’s under control you’ll be able to take her home.”

“Thank you,” Sonny nodded to the doctor, Billie had now pushed herself up, her head resting on Sonny’s shoulder as she whimpered. He moved his hand in circles, continuing to sooth her. “Hey, it’s okay, you’re okay.”

It wasn’t long before Amanda got to the hospital; she must have left Rikers the second Liv got the message to her, possibly broken some speed limits on the way. He had sent Sienna to get a coffee once Billie had drifted off in his arms, and he was leaning back on the bed, pressed against the wall, when he heard Amanda’s voice demanding someone tell her where her daughter was.

“She’s just this way,” he heard the nurse from earlier say, “her dad’s with her.”

“What- Who called him?” Amanda started as the curtain was drawn back. “Oh. Sonny.”

“Hey. She’s asleep.” The nurse smiled and left them to it.

Amanda looked as worried as he had been feeling; he could see tears pooling in her eyes as she sat next to him on the bed, her hand stroking through Billie’s hair. “What happened?”

“She’s got an ear infection - she was burning up so Sienna brought her in. They’ve got her on antibiotics, they said you can take her home once the fever comes down.”

“I was so worried. I knew she wasn’t right when I left this morning, I should’ve stayed home with her.”

“Hey,” Sonny gripped her free hand in his, “You didn’t know. And she’s gonna be just fine.”

“Thank you, for being here. The nurse said her father was here and I thought… well, I’m glad it’s you.”

“They just assumed and I… well,” he shrugged. “I was more worried about Billie than anything else at the time.”

“It’s not the first time someone’s mistaken you for her dad, at least this time Al’s not going to show up and make you watch an awkward proposal.”

Sonny laughed half-heartedly, the memory of that particular incident still stung a little; even though Amanda had ultimately turned Al down, Sonny hadn’t forgotten the ache in his heart as he watched as someone else proposed to the woman he loved.

“You know I’ll always be here for her, no matter what. For Jesse too.”

“I know,” she ran her thumb over the back of his hand. “And it means the world to me, knowing that they have someone like you in their lives – and that I get to have you in my life.”

Sonny stayed with them until Billie was discharged; he couldn’t bring himself to leave and he knew Amanda was weighed down with worry and guilt. Sienna had left to collect Jesse from school, but it was late into the evening before the rest of them left hospital. Neither he nor Amanda had eaten, and as they’d arrived in separate cars, Sonny had offered to pick up some food and join them back at Amanda’s apartment.

Sitting in his car he took a moment to gather himself; he had been on edge since the moment Kat had stepped into Liv’s office, and the fear he had felt at the thought of Billie being ill or in danger was still lingering in the back of his mind – what if the doctors had missed something, if this was more serious than just an ear infection? Objectively he knew that was unlikely, but where Billie was concerned his heart wasn’t prepared to listen to reason.

When he let himself into Amanda’s apartment an hour later she was on the couch, Billie on her lap, cuddled in close. Jesse was by her side, sleepily rubbing a hand on the back of Billie’s head in a way she probably thought was comforting. “Hey Rollins,” he said. “How are we holdin’ up?”

“Uncle Sonny, Billie is sick.”

“He knows, Jess. He was at the hospital with us.” Sonny put the takeout bags on the kitchen counter before moving to join them.

“Momma said I could wait up to see you because I was sad.”

He took a seat on the arm chair, letting Frannie rest her head on his lap and scratching behind her ears as he spoke to Jesse. “Is that so?”

“Billie’s sad too because her ears are hurting. Everyone needs spaghetti.”

Sonny laughed at that, “I think it’s a bit late for spaghetti – it’s way past bedtime and I’m sure Sienna gave you dinner.”

Jesse pouted. “But it wasn’t as good as a Carisi dinner.”

“Well, that’s a real shame. How about I come by tomorrow night and we all have spaghetti together?”

Jesse perked up a little at that, and stood up as Amanda coaxed her towards bed. “Give Uncle Sonny a kiss goodnight. Billie needs her bed and you do too.”

Jesse threw her arms around him and he pressed a kiss to her hair. “Sweet dreams, Jess,” he said as she dragged her feet towards the girls’ bedroom, Amanda and Billie close behind.

He wound up staying the night; both he and Amanda were half asleep before they'd even eaten half of their dinner, and he barely had the energy to drag himself out of the apartment, never mind drive home. Amanda gave him a pillow and a blanket, stopping to squeeze his shoulder before going to bed, Frannie padding behind her.

Billie awoke crying a little after 2am, and he reached the bedroom seconds after Amanda, who gave him bleary-eyed smile as she scooped up her youngest daughter, soothing her gently. Sonny went to the kitchen to get the baby Tylenol from the cupboard; together they coaxed Billie into taking it. When she finally drifted off again thirty minutes later, Amanda carried her towards her own bedroom. She turned in the doorway to look at him, “Thanks, Dominick.”

He nodded, “Any time.”

He meant it - he had been exactly where he was meant to be today.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone who's read and commented so far ♥
> 
> In my head this chapter is called "times Sonny's colleagues thought he had kids", so that's basically the theme.

Amanda stifled a yawn at her desk as she looked through the social media accounts of their latest victim. Billie’s ear infection hadn’t fully subsided yet and she’d barely slept three hours all night; she had Billie sleeping in with her so that Jesse could at least get a good night’s rest, but Amanda woke every time she so much as moved, and last night there had been more crying than fidgeting.

Luckily it hadn’t been too chaotic a morning – she and Kat were following up on their ongoing case, Fin and Liv were in the captain’s office talking through some potential leads. They’d been working steadily but without drama – at least so far.

She heard Sonny before she saw him – gesturing wildly at the guy with him as he walked across the squad room, nearly spilling the coffee he was carrying in one hand. They made a beeline straight for her desk and he placed the coffee cup in front of her. “Triple shot,” he said, by way of greeting.

“You bring coffee for the rest of us, Carisi?” Kat asked from her desk.

“You up half the night with a sick kid, Tamin?” Sonny countered.

Amanda shook her head at the two of them. “Thanks,” she said, giving him a soft smile. “I definitely need it.”

“Thought you might,” he said, then turned to introduce the man with him. “This is John Bowe – Hadid’s got us shadowing each other’s cases this week.”

“Detective Rollins, right?” Bowe asked, and Amanda nodded, taken aback. “How’s your daughter doing?”

Sonny and his big mouth.

“She’s getting there. Not sleeping great,” she took a grateful sip of the coffee before glancing over at Sonny. “Did Jess go into school okay?”

Sonny had stopped by the apartment before work this morning, apparently on the off chance that she might need some help, although most likely because he’d noticed she’d text him at 4am – responding to a message she’d missed the previous night - and he’d offered to drop Jesse at school so that she could have an extra twenty minutes to get ready.

“Yeah, no problem. Her teacher said somethin’ about a talent show next month? She asked how many seats we’d need, I just said two, figure Billie won’t need her own.”

The fact that he had readily agreed to go to Jesse’s kindergarten talent show on a Thursday evening gave Amanda a warm feeling in her stomach that she tried to push down; she attributed her butterflies to the hit of caffeine she was gratefully receiving. “Thanks, Jesse brought home a letter about it, I meant to let them know,” she gave him another smile before returning to her coffee.

“So, where are we at? Bowe’s up to speed from my end.”

“Kat and I are still doing background. Fin and Liv are in her office.”

Jesse was practically swinging off Sonny’s arm as they walked through the park, Amanda a couple of steps behind them, pushing Billie in her stroller. He’d shown up at her apartment again, this time offering to take them all to lunch – and while Amanda had finally had a full night’s rest now that Billie’s symptoms seemed to be wearing off, she was still grateful for another pair of hands and excuse not to cook.

“Can we play in the playground?” Jesse was staring up at Sonny with a pleading look in her eyes; Amanda knew all too well how that was going to go – she struggled to resist that look herself, and she knew that Sonny was a sucker for those eyes – Jesse’s, Billie’s, and hers too, if she was being honest.

“I think we can manage that,” Sonny said, barely hesitating. He led them down the path towards the playground, stopping after a few feet when he was met by a woman Amanda vaguely recognised from the DA’s office.

“Counsellor Carisi,” she greeted him, “Nice to see you do take a day off once in a while.”

“Hey Carla, how are you?”

“I’m good thanks,” Carla was standing a little closer to Sonny than Amanda thought was necessary, and Amanda pushed down the twinge of possessiveness she felt as Carla put her hand on Sonny’s arm – she knew it was hypocritical to judge anyone for standing too close to Sonny. “I’ve just been for a jog, got to fit it when you can, right?”

Before Sonny could respond, Jesse tugged hard on his arm. “You said we’re going to the playground,” she said firmly, looking from Sonny to Carla with impatience.

“Oh! That’s nice. Are you-” Carla glanced over Sonny’s shoulder, spotting Amanda and Billie, “Oh hi Detective Rollins.”

“Hi,” Amanda nodded. “Nice to see you,” she turned to Sonny, “You want meet us at the swings?” She held out a hand for Jesse, who pulled away from her godfather at the promise of the playground.

“I’m just coming,” he said, as Amanda and the girls moved forward, at a slow enough pace that Amanda could still hear them. “See you on Monday, Carla.”

“Yeah, see you Monday, Carisi,” she smiled at him, and turned away, calling over her shoulder as she left, “Your little girl looks just like you by the way!”

The first NYPD picnic of the year was a lively event – everyone keen to spend a day out having some fun, something a bit more like normality. They weren’t generally big on attending this sort of thing, but for once the whole squad had turned out and they’d been enjoying the sun and the relaxed atmosphere – it felt like a lifetime since they’d all been able to just relax together.

Kat had disappeared with a rookie cop she knew from the academy, a wink in their direction as she followed him across the park. The rest of the squad had been relaxing on the picnic blankets they’d set up camp on, whilst Jesse and Noah were running around with the some of the other children and Billie napped in her stroller.

Sonny had been waylaid by Carla Jones on his way back from the bathroom, and had then gotten wrapped up in a conversation with her and Hadid; his eyes occasionally drifting back to the group, lingering on Amanda more than anyone else – they were far enough away that he didn’t think she’d noticed. He took a sip from his beer bottle as Carla told a story about a defence lawyer she had gone to college with.

He had been tied up long enough that the beer was beginning to warm; he was waiting for an opportunity to politely excuse himself, and was almost relieved when John Bowe approached them – before he realised he had a tearful Jesse in his arms, Noah a step behind them.

“Counsellor, I think this little lady belongs to you,” Bowe said, passing Jesse over to him. He took Jesse with his free hand, then passed his half empty beer bottle over to Bowe so that he could wrap an arm around Jesse as she dropped her head to his shoulder, whimpering quietly.

He ran a hand up and down her back. “Hey, what’s all this?”

“We were running and she fell over, Uncle Sonny,” Noah said, “On the path.”

“That so? You okay Jesse?”

“I hurt my knee.”

“Oh no,” he mock gasped, lifting her leg to inspect the knee which was grazed and bleeding slightly. “Looks like we’ll have to chop it off.”

Jesse giggled through her tears. “No, no, don’t be silly!”

“How about we go see Momma, huh? Get you all cleaned up.”

“This is going to be a tough case, Carisi. If you want to step back from it no one would blame you.”

“They’re all tough cases,” Sonny countered. “I’ve got no more right than anyone else to dodge this one, and I want justice for Samantha.”

“I understand, Carisi, but cases with children are always worse for parents, and this one is particularly rough.”

Sonny frowned. “I’m not sure I get your meaning, Ms Hadid.”

“We’re talking about parents who systematically tortured their six year old daughter, and with girls of your own at home it’s only natural you’d get emotionally involved in this case. I don’t want to be in a position where the case is compromised, or where you’re taking this home with you.”

Sonny would be lying if he said that the case hadn’t made him think about Jesse and Billie – it had made him think about his nieces and nephews too – sure, it made him angry, thinking about someone hurting the girls, but it didn’t make sense to him that his relationship to Amanda’s kids would be a reason for Hadid to take him off the case.

“I can compartmentalise,” he said, “These kinds of people… look, working with SVU I’ve seen this sort of thing before. Yeah, it makes me mad, makes me sick to my stomach, but all I want to do is get justice for the victims, make these people pay for what they did.”

“Alright, Counsellor, but if I feel like you’re becoming too involved I will pull you from the case and hand it over to someone else,” she sighed. “I know you have good intentions, Carisi, but you’ve got a daughter almost the same age as Samantha, and I think this one might cut a little too close to the bone.”

Once Hadid left his office, Sonny found his eyes drawn to the photograph of Jesse and Amanda on his desk; he pressed the power button his phone, lighting up his lock screen which was a photo of Jesse awkwardly holding Billie while they both beamed at the camera. It wasn’t that it hadn’t occurred to him that some people might mistake him for Jesse and Billie’s father – it happened occasionally with strangers, waiters in restaurants, mothers at the playground – with the time he spent with them, and how big a part of his life they were, there were plenty of reasons to think they might be family in more than just his heart. But hearing his boss call Jesse his daughter, in a way that was so matter of fact, it jolted him a little. He’d loved that girl since the first time he’d held her in his arms, and that had grown beyond measure before she even took her first step. When Billie was born that love intensified – now there were these two little girls who he couldn’t imagine his life without. Sure, godfather was a pretty nice title to have; it made him feel close to the girls, and close to Amanda, but there was a part of him that wished for more, and probably always would.

He sent a text to Amanda, asking what her plans were for the evening, before he set the phone aside and began to work through the casefile in front of him. There was a lot to do, and he didn’t want to miss anything. He worked diligently for another hour before glancing at his phone – there was no response from Amanda yet; she was probably busy – the whole squad were, working to help him make this case as airtight as possible. He glanced at the clock; 16:30 – he’d work another hour and then pack up. He’d probably end up working on this at home, but at least he could do that from the comfort of his couch.

About thirty minutes later there was a knock at his door; he assumed Hadid checking up on him before she left for the night. “Come in,” he called, not looking up.

“Time to finish up for the night, Counsellor,” Amanda’s voice drew him out of his paperwork. She was standing in the doorway, a smile on her face.

“What’re you doing here?”

“I thought you might like to come over; I know I’ll be hugging the girls a little tighter tonight, and I figured you might want to as well.”

He did; he really did.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again to everybody who's been reading and commenting!
> 
> Hyped for new SVU tonight! These gaps kill me.

Amanda had made sure to get out of the precinct early; she didn’t want to risk getting caught up with a case and be late for Jesse’s show. Jesse had been so excited when she’d gotten ready for school in the morning, talking non-stop about the dance she was going to be doing with her class, the song they were singing, the way Bobby had bumped into her in their last rehearsal – she had barely taken a breath, never mind given herself time to shovel cereal into her mouth. She’d looked out her outfit the night before, and had checked three times that it was in her bag. She was a bundle of nervous excitement. “Momma, is Uncle Sonny coming to my show?”

“Yes baby, I told you he would be.”

“Okay because I told all my friends.”

Amanda had laughed, shaking her head as she’d ushered Jesse out of the door. Now, as she pushed Billie’s stroller out of the elevator, she just hoped Sonny had been able to get away for the early finish.

He was standing outside of his office talking to one of the other ADAs, his coat over his arm like he was eager to go. Billie’s face lit up at the sight of him and she began pulling on her the straps holding her into her stroller, whining in frustration as he walked across the room towards them. Amanda stroked her hair gently, trying to calm her, but Sonny was unconcerned by the noise she was generating, just laughing before unclipping the straps to lift Billie into his arms. “Hey sunshine!”

Billie laughed, gripping his face in her hands and pressing a wet kiss to his nose.

“Thanks Billie. Shall we go see Jesse’s debut?” he asked, tickling Billie, who only became more excited.

“Jesse!” she squealed, turning to look at Amanda as though Jesse was hiding behind her.

“Come on baby girl, we’re going to Jesse’s school,” Amanda reached for Billie, intending to put her back in the stroller, but she gripped tightly to Sonny’s suit jacket, refusing to move.

“I’ll carry her,” Sonny said, placing his hand briefly in the small of Amanda’s back as they turned towards the elevator.

Sonny carried Billie into the auditorium of Jesse’s school; he was deftly schmoozing with the other parents, at ease in a way that Amanda never was – she was always conscious of them judging her – for being a cop, for being a single parent, for having a nanny picking Jesse up from school most days – Sonny didn’t have those concerns, he was just happy being here to support Jesse.

They sat together, Billie on Amanda’s lap, Sonny’s arm casually on the back of her chair. Amanda glanced around them at the other families and felt a small pang in her stomach – all she wanted for her girls was for them to have a happy childhood, knowing they were loved, and when she saw other parents with their children she felt guilty that Jesse and Billie didn’t have that - until she caught Sonny’s eye, until she saw him peering up at the stage as little faces peaked out from behind the curtain, looking for Jesse – every inch the proud father Jesse deserved to have.

“Hey,” she said, leaning into him.

“Rollins, you okay?” he asked, his attention suddenly pivoted to her. He brought the arm on the back of her chair forward, his hand curling around her shoulder.

“Yeah,” she gave him a weak smile, “Thank you for being here.”

“Of course,” he grinned, “I’ve been lookin’ forward to it.”

He didn’t move his hand from her shoulder, and she leaned further into him as Jesse’s teacher took to the stage, welcoming them to the talent show.

It was hard to tell whether Sonny or Billie was more excited when Jesse came out onto the stage; Amanda felt her own surge of pride at the sight of her daughter getting ready for the dance she had been practising in the living room for weeks. Jesse caught sight of them in the audience and waved energetically towards them as Billie began clapping with joy. Amanda laughed and waved back, tears brimming in her eyes as the dance began.

Jesse came running towards them after the show finished, throwing herself at Amanda’s legs, “Momma did you see me? Did you see me?”

“I did, baby girl. I’m so proud of you!” Amanda lifted Jesse onto her hip, pressing a kiss to the side of her face.

“I remembered the whole dance and Bobby didn’t even trip over this time! We all did good, right?”

“So good, Jesse!” Sonny said, holding his hand up for a high five, which Jesse gladly returned.

Miss Ellis approached them and congratulated Jesse on her performance. “The whole class did so well,” she smiled. “Is this your baby sister, Jesse?”

Jesse nodded. “That’s Billie and this is Momma and that’s Uncle Sonny. He’s not my daddy.”

“Ah,” Miss Ellis nodded, and Amanda wondered whether she had made the connection back to the parent/teacher conference. “Well, it’s very nice to meet you all. Jesse talks so much about her family.”

“Nice to meet you too. We better be headin’ out, I think somebody deserves some celebratory pancakes.”

“Carisi,” Amanda grumbled – the girls were excited enough without adding sugar into the mix. “It’s a school night.”

He laughed, “I’ll help with bedtime, I promise.”

They said their goodbyes and headed out of the auditorium, and it struck Amanda again how natural this seemed – leaving the school together as a family.

After they stopped at a diner near her apartment for pancakes the excitement of the day began to catch up with Jesse, and she was dragging her heels as they walked home. When they stopped at a crossing she dropped her head against Sonny, her arm wrapping around his leg as she yawned. He swept her up into his arms without hesitation, carrying her the rest of the way.

She was almost asleep by the time they got into the apartment, and startled awake only when Frannie began barking at their heels.

“I think it’s straight to bed for you,” Amanda said as she walked in behind them, carrying a sleeping Billie.

“But Billie’s bedtime is before my bedtime,” Jesse said, pouting as Sonny placed her on the floor.

“It’s past Billie’s bedtime already,” Amanda countered.

Jesse put her hands on her hips, always ready to protest at the first sign of a perceived injustice. “Billie got to stay up past her bedtime so I should stay up now.”

“Technically, Counsellor Rollins,” Sonny interrupted, “Billie has been asleep for thirty minutes already.”

Jesse’s frown deepened as she considered her counter-argument. Amanda carried Billie into the girls’ bedroom and set about getting her changed and into her crib. If Sonny wanted to negotiate with a five year old, that was his problem. She heard their voices murmuring outside the door as she put Billie down, and after a few minutes Jesse walked into the room, Sonny standing in the doorway behind her.

“I brushed my teeth and I’m going to put my pyjamas on now,” she announced. “We made a deal.”

“Oh yeah, and what deal is that?”

“My bedtime is one hour after Billie’s but Billie stayed up for extra time so now I get to stay up thirty minutes after bedtime tomorrow.”

“That sounds like a pretty good deal,” Amanda said, an eyebrow raised at Sonny. He gave her an apologetic smile before leaning down to kiss Jesse’s forehead.

“Sweet dreams, Jess,” he said before moving back out to the living room.

Amanda helped Jesse get ready for bed before tucking her in. Despite her protests about wanting to stay up late, she was asleep before Amanda had even selected a bedtime story. She turned off the lights on her way out, pausing to give the girls one last look.

When she turned from the doorway she saw Sonny leaning back on the couch; he’d turned the TV on with the volume down low, but he wasn’t watching it. Amanda tracked his gaze across the room, to Jesse’s drawing on the fridge; the magnet had shifted since she’d put it up there, Jesse’s hand drawn love heart clearly visible. There was a small smile on his face, a look of contentment.

She hesitated a moment before she crossed the room and perched almost awkwardly at the opposite end of the couch from him; she couldn’t shake the feeling she’d had since seeing him at Jesse’s show, but she wasn’t sure she could articulate exactly what it meant to her. “Sonny.”

“Amanda,” he said, matching her semi-serious tone.

“I wanted to say thank you.”

He looked bemused. “For what? I told you I was excited to see Jesse’s show.”

“Not just that. For everything you do for them both, for being there for them, for us.”

“I love those girls, you know I’d do anything to make them happy,” his face lit up as he spoke about them – he was so sincere that Amanda knew that whatever she said next wouldn’t change the way he felt about her daughters.

“And what about their momma?”

Sonny reached across the gap, placing a hand on her arm. “You’d do anythin’ for them too – you’re a great mother, they’re lucky to have you. I’m gonna tell you every day for the rest of our lives if that’s what it takes for you to believe it.”

“Thank you… but that wasn’t what I meant.”

“Oh. What?”

She bit her lip, a second’s caution before continuing. “I meant… is any part of this about making me happy?”

If he’d looked confused before, that was nothing compared to the expression on his face now. “Amanda, I-”

Amanda felt her face flush – putting him on the spot like that was a mistake, and it hadn’t been fair of her to bring this up without any warning. “No, don’t answer that. I’m sorry, I don’t know why I said anything.”

“Hey, no, don’t take it back. I mean it when I say that I love them, I love them for them and _nothing_ is ever going to change that. But of course I want to make you happy too,” he was smiling at her so endearingly that her heart tightened as she dared to hope. “And maybe when Jess was first born a big part of why I was around so much was you, but I don’t see them as part of some package. They aren’t something I _put up with_ because of the way I feel about you.”

“The way you feel about me?”

He scoffed. “Oh, like you don’t know.”

“Maybe I thought I did, once.” That was the truth. She had known he was attracted to her, and there was a time when she thought that attraction had bloomed into something more; but she hadn’t been ready, she’d been too afraid to take that step, and as time had gone on she became less certain of his feelings.

“I’ve been – I’ve wanted… more, for so long, but I would never want to push you into something you weren’t ready for. And my being in the girls’ lives, that isn’t contingent on you wanting anything more than what we have now. I’m not going to back out, so if that’s what this is about, you don’t have to-”

Amanda cut him off. “It’s not. I love that you are a part of their lives, but this isn’t just about them. I want this, Sonny. Us. I’ve wanted it for a while. Seeing you with the girls just opened a window, just heightened everything I was already feeling. Every time I see you with them, loving them, it just reminds me why I… why I feel the way I do.”

“Are you sayin’ that you want something… romantic between us?” The grin on his face was a little cocky, and she shook her head.

“You’re such a pain in my ass, you know that?”

“Hmm, it’s what I live for,” he smiled.

“Are you going to give me an answer or what?”

“You haven’t even asked a question.”

Amanda groaned – he was enjoying this a little too much and she’d give it up just to spite him, if she didn’t think she’d regret it so much. “What am I meant to say? Are we in fifth grade? Oh Sonny, will you be my boyfriend? Tick yes or no.”

“Boyfriend, huh?”

“If you play your cards right,” she said, leaning into him, giving him time to pull away before their lips met. He returned her kiss firmly, a hand coming up to cup her cheek, caressing her skin with his thumb. They pulled away after a moment, catching their breath, and sharing a smile.

“Wow,” Sonny said, that little grin lingering again. “Could you pinch me or somethin’?”

Amanda rolled her eyes. “You’re such an idiot,” she laughed. “Cute though.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last part of this fic and contains the first scene I wrote for it. Thank you so much to everyone who has read, commented, or left kudos on it. I really appreciate it and I hope you've enjoyed reading this.

It hadn’t taken long at all for things to shift; Amanda and the girls were already such a huge part of Sonny’s life that his average day didn’t become all that different with the change in their relationship; sure, Amanda greeted him at the door differently these days, and his occasional sleepovers were less occasional and no longer on the couch, but the transition was so smooth it was probably barely perceptible from the outside.

The only thing that had markedly changed was what happened after the girls had gone to bed – he didn’t have to pretend he was only there to say goodnight, didn’t have to say goodbye and head home alone; if she wanted him to stay she’d just say so, no more _it’s too late for you to drive back now_ , or _that storm’s picking up._ Things had maybe gotten serious very quickly by some standards, but it had been such a long time coming that he didn’t really think there was anything to object to.

A few weeks in, and the feeling that he was part of a family unit had only grown. They woke up together most mornings and got the girls ready for their day; they both kissed Billie goodbye after Sienna arrived, and drove to work in one car, dropping Jesse at school together. He loved every minute of it; even waking up to Jesse’s foot in his face at 5am because she’d crawled into bed with them after a bad dream, even Billie screeching in his ear on those nights she woke up crying for attention.

Everything he’d felt before had only become heightened now that he wasn’t hiding his feelings anymore – however bad Fin reckoned he’d been at hiding them before.

Despite the relatively seamless change, it still gave him a thrill when he saw her at work and she’d throw him a smile laced with affection.

He’d been in court all morning – four arraignments back to back - whilst the squad were dealing with a particularly tough case; a mother of three who had been raped and beaten into a coma six months ago, a rapist who had been acquitted at trial, a father who had taken justice into his own hands and was now looking at twenty-five to life unless Sonny could get him to agree to a deal.

His eyes darted to Amanda’s desk when he arrived, but she wasn’t there.

“She’s out with Kat,” Fin said by way of greeting, and Sonny shrugged it off.

He followed Fin to Liv’s office and they talked strategy before they went into the interrogation room, where Mr Thompson and his lawyer had been discussing his options.

“ADA Carisi,” Sonny said, holding out his hand to Mr Thompson, who shook it once firmly.

“If you’re here to try and get me to agree to go to prison, I’m not doing it.”

“Hear me out, Mr Thompson. I’m not here to lock you up and throw away the key – but as I’m sure your attorney has already told you, you are looking at life in prison if this goes to trial and a jury convicts you.”

“My kids have already been through enough; I’m not giving up that easy. I know you have a case to make, Mr Carisi, but I take this deal – I go to prison. My kids lose both their parents. I only ever wanted to protect my family.” These cases were the hardest – the cases where they couldn’t see any justice in conviction, but he still had to uphold the law. All he could do was try for some balance.

“I know. And you can roll the dice on getting a sympathetic jury if that’s what you want, but the DA’s office cannot be seen to support vigilante justice, no matter the circumstances. Now I’m offering you the best deal I can here; three years jail time, and that means you’re home before your kids start middle school.”

“If I take the deal I’m giving up on my children - I’m abandoning them when they have already lost so much. Do you understand what you’re suggesting here? Do you even have kids?”

“I do. Two daughters.” He said it without thinking, without hesitation. Fin eyed him curiously but said nothing.

“And if you were in my position, you’d want to fight for them, right? You wouldn’t give up.”

He hesitated before answering; just the thought of it was a knife to the gut, and he couldn’t say with certainty that he wouldn’t take the same course of action – not with how angry the thought of someone hurting Amanda or the girls made him.

“I can’t imagine how you’re feeling right now, if someone did to their mother what… I don’t know what I would do. I know you want to shelter your kids from all of this, and I can’t say I blame you. Look this deal is on the table and I’ll give you some time to think it over – if you accept it, you serve your time, then you come home to your family.”

-

When they exited the interrogation room, Amanda was standing by the window, looking in. Fin caught sight of her, gave Sonny a look, and walked away without a word. Sonny turned to Amanda, anxiety brewing in his stomach as he realised she had been listening.

“Two daughters, huh?” she said; he couldn’t read her expression, couldn’t tell where this was going to go. His heart sank at the thought that he’d screwed everything up, that he had put her in a position they wouldn’t come back from.

“Amanda, I – I didn’t realise you were out here.” 

Her arms were folded across her chest and she was watching him carefully. “Been here this whole time.”

He sighed apologetically. “Look, I know it was out of line for me to say that, but I wanted him to understand I get some of what he’s feeling and-”

“I’m not mad.”

“I know it’s too soon and we haven’t even talked about this-”

Amanda stepped towards him and cut him off with a hand on his arm. “I said I’m not mad.”

“You’re not?”

“I’m not. Why would I be mad if you think of them as your daughters? You know how much they love you - you’re the only father figure Jesse has ever had, and it’s not like Al’s holiday cheques are putting him in the running for father of the year.” She squeezed his arm gently, reassuringly, and relief flooded him.

“I know they’re not mine, not my _blood_ , but I do think of them that way, like they’re my kids, and I wouldn’t – couldn’t – love them more even if they were.”

Amanda reached up, wrapping her arms around him and he drew her in close for a moment before they pulled apart again, Amanda keeping her hands on his arms. “Jesse, uh, she actually… a couple of months back she told her class that her daddy was a lawyer.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, she wants _you_ to be her dad – and I kind of do too. I want us to be a family. I know it might sound crazy, I know this is all new, but you’ve been their dad for pretty much their whole lives, we just haven’t put a name to it.”

“Maybe we should think about doing that?”

-

When they got home – that was how he thought about it in his head, _home_ ; his own apartment was just a place to keep his stuff – Sonny set about cooking dinner. Jesse was at on the kitchen counter, shredding cheese and talking happily about her day. Billie was nearby, chasing Frannie in circles around the living room, whilst Amanda took a shower and got changed. It was the kind of domesticity he loved; their little family having small moments together; and tonight was a little more special than usual.

Amanda emerged from the bedroom just as Sonny finished up preparing the sauce; he turned the burner down low as Amanda picked up Billie and approached them. “Hey Jess, we have something we want to talk to you about.”

“I already know you’re in love,” Jesse said, matter of fact.

They both laughed, if a little awkwardly – Jesse wasn’t wrong, but it wasn’t something they had said out loud yet.

“Not that, Jesse,” Amanda said. “Do you remember when we talked about mommies and daddies?”

“You said I have a daddy but I don’t know him,” Jesse was frowning now. She turned to look at Sonny. “Momma said you can’t be my daddy,” there were tears in her eyes now and Sonny lifted her from the counter into his arms.

Amanda reached over to brush the tears from her eldest daughter’s eyes. “I said that Uncle Sonny loves you very much, whether he is your daddy or not.”

Jesse nodded tearfully. “I know. I love Uncle Sonny too.” She rested her head against Sonny’s, still frowning.

“That’s what your momma and I wanted to talk to you about, Jess. I do love you, and I love being your Uncle Sonny. But I would love it even more if I could be your daddy.”

Jesse looked from him to Amanda and back again. “Would you really be my daddy?”

“If you and Billie want me to be,” he said, mostly into Jesse’s hair as she threw her arms around him, hugging him tightly. Over her head he glanced at Amanda; tears were brewing in her eyes too and he drew her and Billie to him, the four of them huddled together for a moment before Billie squealed in protest, asking to be put down.

They pulled apart, Sonny returning Jesse to her place on the counter and Billie racing back into the living room, throwing her arms around Frannie.

Amanda squeezed his hand before moving over to Billie. “Okay girls, let’s get washed up while _Daddy_ finishes dinner.”

A few days later, Amanda was in living room with the girls when Sonny got home - he'd been caught up at work and she had missed coming home together more than she would've predicted a few months ago. Jesse and Billie were playing together on the floor while Amanda watched them from the couch, and Sonny swept straight over to them, pressing kisses to each of their cheeks before sitting beside her; she turned to look at him, returning his kiss. “Welcome home.”

Jesse beamed at them both from the floor before scrambling out to the hallway, coming back to him with her book bag in hand. “I did a new picture for you, Daddy,” she said – Amanda watched his face light up, as it did every time she called him that – and he accepted the paper she pulled from her bag.

It was a wall of colour, swirls and lines; Jesse had probably used every crayon in the box. There was a small patch of white in the middle, left uncoloured, and there she had carefully written in her best handwriting - _I love my daddy._

Watching him sweep Jesse into hug – assuring her the picture was perfect and would look excellent on the wall in his office – Amanda smiled, her heart soaring as she saw how happy her family were together; as happy as she felt.


End file.
